The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh, Dir. Joseph Manduke, 1979

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Julius Erving sits in the driver seat of his Lincoln Continental Mark V and stares into the distance while the young white woman sitting next to him, who bears a striking resemblance to Little House on the Prairie’s Melissa Sue Anderson, holds a compact mirror and applies more lipstick: “Here are the people who wished Dr. J a happy 29th birthday: his orthopedic surgeon, his dentist, the President of the New Jersey Nets, the Owner of the Philadelphia 76ers, his agent, his accountant, Bob McAdoo, David Thompson, Daryl Dawkins, Sidney Poitier, Bill Cosby, Diana Ross, and an assortment of other hangers-on, fans, and associates. Here is who did not wish him a happy birthday: his mother, his sister, and his son.”

The Bitter Tears Of Petra Von Kant

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Rainer Werner Fassbinder pushes Richard Gere up against a wall in the bathroom of Studio 54 and pokes him in the chest: “I spend all day imagining that you and I are married and that you are the wife and I am the husband and we make beautiful babies together and then we live in a home in Nyack and we go on hikes together and I feed you berries and then we go home and we sit on the couch and watch Dallas and you won’t stop telling me how beautiful Patrick Duffy is and I get so jealous that I lock myself in the bathroom but you don’t care you just keep watching Dallas and ooh-ing and ah-ing over Patrick Duffy and I can hear you all the way upstairs and you’re doing it just to torture me because you know I’ll never look like Patrick Duffy and I give in to my despair and grab a scissors from the medicine cabinet and slit my own throat and I don’t even make a sound when I do it and then I fall to the bathroom floor and I die and then I am reincarnated into the person I am now the person who is not married to you who is poking you in the chest and that is not the person I want to be the person I want to be is the person who eats the eggs and toast you make for me on Sunday morning the person who shares his New York Times with you the person who reminds you to wear shoes when it’s cold outside because to be honest with you Richard you look like the type of person who doesn’t wear shoes when it’s cold outside although right now between the two of us the only one not wearing shoes is me what happened to my shoes where are my shoes and what is all over my feet?”