We All Love Peanut Butter

A white van with a cartoon peanut painted on its side drives slowly down a crowded street at night, stop, reverses, and parallel parks between a red compact car and a blue four-door sedan: “I’ll try your new peanut butter but I want you to know right now that as soon as we start walking that way towards the place you say you have the peanut butter I’m trying some new peanut butter whether this is one of those pranks or stunts or not. Do you hear me? If we start walking over there and you tell me that you’re filming all of this and that this is some kind of prank where you walk around asking random men if they would like to try a new brand of peanut butter just so you can see how many men will say yes then that’s your problem and not mine because as far as I’m concerned you came up to me and asked me if I would like to try your peanut butter and I asked you if you were serious and you said yes and then I asked you if you were serious again and again you said yes, so as far as I’m concerned you are serious about me trying your new peanut butter, so if we start walking over there and you tell me you were joking I’m just telling you right now that I will not accept the fact that you are joking and I will try your new peanut butter anyway, whether you like it or not, whether there are cameras following you around or not, okay, they can watch or try to help you, that’s their business, my business right now is that you walked up to me when I was minding my own business and you asked me if I wanted to try this new peanut butter and you’re wearing a shirt with some kind of logo for a peanut butter I’ve never seen before and I said yes because of course I do, because I love peanut butter, and there’s not a man on this street who would say no and if there is I want to know who they are because that wouldn’t make any sense when someone like you, wearing some kind of official peanut butter shirt, walks up to a man and asks him if he wants to try a new brand of peanut butter. I don’t know any man who would turn that down, which is why if this is some kind of prank or stunt or you are just curious to see how many men would say yes to trying some new peanut butter then the joke is one you because you don’t need to go out and ask me what is, really if you think about it, a stupid question, because of course the answer is going to be yes. I can’t imagine many men who would say no except for a few, and the men who would say no are probably just nervous that they have an allergy to peanut butter and they just don’t know about it or they’re nervous they’re going to follow you and you’re going to take them somewhere and throw them in a van and have your buddies kick the shit out of them. So I understand why some men would say no but what I don’t understand is why you would go out in public and ask men if they want to try some new peanut butter when you already know the answer, so I’m going to assume that you’re being on the level right now and that you really do want me to try this new peanut butter because you saw me and I struck you as the type of man who liked peanut butter and that’s all this is, because I’m telling you this again, right now, that if this is some kind of joke then the joke is going to be on you because I’m trying some new peanut butter whether there’s a new peanut butter to try or not, because you asked me if I wanted to and I said yes and I asked you twice if you were serious and you said yes, so now I’m going to try some new peanut butter one way or another and I don’t care if there’s a camera crew with you. Like I said, they can watch or they can try and help, but either way this is happening and it’s about to all happen right now, so I really want you to think about what you’re doing, because the moment we start walking in that direction there’s no going back, and no, I’m not stopping, not until I’m done with my peanut butter, and if that means you have to go buy some peanuts and mash them up until you’ve created your own new peanut butter then so be it, that’s what’s going to happen, I’m trying your new peanut butter just like I said.”

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