Another Repetitious Monologue About Herpes And Sangria

John Belushi rolls up a hundred dollar bill, leans down, quickly inhales a massive bump of cocaine, stands up, looks at Dick Cavett, raises one eyebrow, hands the rolled up hundred dollar bill to Cavett, watches as Cavett partially inhales another massive bump of cocaine, then waits for Cavett to stand up, raises the other eyebrow, and watches as Cavett leans down and inhales the rest of the bump: “This song, you know what this song reminds me of, it reminds of the time I was invited to a pool party where I knew I was going to be peer-pressured into skinny dipping, which wouldn’t have been such a big deal except at the time I had a Herpes Simplex two breakout near my jonquils, and my jonquils were a mess, but I went to the pool party anyway, and guess what, I got pressured, by my peers, into skinny dipping, and so I drop my shorts and everyone’s looking at my jonquils but no one is saying anything because they’re all a bunch of artists and musicians and actors, so they wanted to pretend like it didn’t bother them, but I could tell, it did bother them, it bothered them a lot, I mean, my jonquils are just like, they’re like, they’re like covered in Herpes Simplex two, but what am I supposed to do, they keep pressuring me, these are my peers, and they’re pressuring me, hey, they say, hey, hey, take off your shorts, man, take them off and go skinning dipping, and I guess I could have said something, said something like, hey, hey, I got some Herpes Simplex two right now, you should see my jonquils, but I didn’t say anything, they probably wouldn’t have believed me anyway, it would have encouraged them to keep egging me on, so I said to myself, I remember this, I remember saying to myself, okay, you invited me to this pool party, and you keep telling me to take off my shorts, so I’m going to take off my shorts, because I’m at a pool party with a bunch of artists and musicians and actors, and that’s what you do, you take off your shorts when they tell you to take off your shorts, whether you got Herpes Simplex two or not, so that’s what I did, I took off my shorts, and there it was, all over my jonquils, and I felt self-conscious about it for a second, but that was it, I jumped in the pool, and then I got out, poured myself a glass of Sangria, and this song was playing, normally I would hate this song, but there was something about listening to it while drinking Sangria that just made, it made, it made sense, because I hate Sangria and I hate this song but they seem to complement each other, you know, like two halves making a whole, and that’s what it was, the song and the Sangria combining to rid me of my ambivalence, although hate isn’t really ambivalence, it’s hate, that’s a feeling, ambivalence is a lack of feeling, and I definitely have feelings for this song, and Sangria, I hate both of them with equal intensity, but not together, together I find them rather pleasant, mellow, and that’s not what I am, normally I hate, and I hate, and I hate, there are so many things in this world I hate, if you took everything away that I hate there would be nothing left for me to do, you know, I mean, thank Christ for hate, and I hate this song, and now that I think about it, I hate that for a moment I didn’t hate this song, but I blame it on the Sangria, and vice versa for the, the, the, the lack of hate, I know hate Sangria, but I didn’t hate Sangria, and I blame this song, with me standing there, with my Sangria and my jonquils covered in Herpes Simplex two and it was a nice moment, now that I think about it, even though, you know Amy Irving, I mean, I know you know Amy Irving, but I mean, she was at this pool party and she comes up to me while I’m standing there with my Sangria in my hand and she pulls me aside and she tells me how she’s a big fan and tells me how cute I am and then she tells me, get this, she tells me that she really wanted to sleep with me, and she was going to, but then she saw my jonquils and she decided that it probably wasn’t a good idea, and I’m thinking, you’re right, it’s probably not a good idea to sleep with me at the moment considering my condition, but then I’m thinking, you know what, I’m thinking, why would you tell someone that you were going to sleep with them but then you decided it wasn’t a good idea, I mean, who says that to someone, what a buzzkill, it’s not like I was planning on sleeping with anyone at this pool party, I was just there to have a good time, and I was having a good time, and then Amy Irving, she totally ruins it by telling me this, and I tell her this, I tell her she’s a buzzkill, I call her a buzzkill, and she gets this real snotty look on her face, and she walks away from me and then she turns around a gives me this look, she looks at my jonquils and then she looks back at me and then she looks at my jonquils and she shakes her head like she’s disgusted with me, and it hurt my feelings, I’m being honest with you, it really hurt my feelings, because, you know, despite myself, I have feelings too, you know, and Jesus fucking Christ would somebody please put on another song, for the love of all that is holy, I can’t take it anymore, I can’t take it anymore, turn it off, somebody better turn off this song or somebody better get me a glass of Sangria, a huge glass of Sangria, because you have no idea how long this song is, it’s long, so it better be a huge glass, as big as that vase right over there, somebody better take out all those orchids, clean that vase, and then pour some Sangria in that vase and give it to me, forget it, I’ll do it myself, watch out, here I come, out of the way, this looks heavy, better not forget to use my legs.”


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