Holy Terror

A large group of men wearing floor-length, solid white robes and white pointed hats sit in pews and listen while another man wearing a floor-length red satin robe and a red satin pointed hat stands at a pulpit made of balsa wood and lectures them on the importance of maintaining proper hygiene at all times: “Of the sixty-seven men attending this meeting of the local KKK chapter in Pulaski, TN, sixty-six were working as informants for the FBI, including the Exalted Cyclops. The only man in attendance not working for the FBI was a new member, Gene Patrick Louis, who had yet to pay his klecktoken, and who would, in the next few days, be expelled from the chapter, but not before desperately trying to come up with the money by selling his entire record collection, including his prized possession, a quadruple 78 rpm recording of Jerry Lee Lewis, clearly under the influence of high-grade stimulants, reading Robert Heinlein’s Stranger in a Strange Land in its entirety in a cockney accent. The newbie did get some good advice on how to maintain a fresh scent in even the most trying weather, however, which would come in handy in later years while working on a freeway construction crew, which is where he would meet his wife, a highway patrolmen who could not believe that a man broiling under a Southern sun nine hours a day could still, somehow, miraculously smell like rain on a hot tar road. The marriage was to be short lived, though, as Louis’ wife would eventually succumb to mass hysteria while attending a George Jones concert and die of complications related to dehydration only a week after their second anniversary.”

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