Bummer

Tuesday Weld sits at one end of a row boat shaving her legs while Anthony Perkins sits at the other end rowing at a leisurely pace and trying his hardest not to stare at the perfectly sculpted arch of Weld’s right foot, which, beaded with drops of water, glistens in the sunlight: “When the Park Rangers arrived at the camp site Perkins had Weld in a bear hug despite the latter’s clamorous protestations that if Perkins didn’t let her go immediately she was going to put a curse on him that would last for all eternity. Perkins explained to the Park Rangers that Weld was recovering from a grand mal seizure, when, in fact, she was smack dab in the middle of a bad trip brought on by some acid that had been given to her by Sammy Davis Jr. (who had been given the acid by Anton LaVey, the founder of the Church of Satan, as a thank you gift for introducing LaVey to Bonnie Large, Playboy Magazine’s Playmate of The Month for March, 1973 [as well as a former squeeze of Davis Jr.’s], on whom LaVey performed a series of sex rites during a show-stopping performance for such luminaries as Henry Kissinger, Bella Abzug, Mike Douglas, and Rosey Grier). The Park Rangers, who had been alerted by a group of concerned campers approximately three hundred yards to the north of Perkins and Weld’s campsite, stood and stared as Perkins grappled with Weld and wrestled her to the ground. Weld, whose lower body was being kept in a leg lock by Perkins, looked up at her two-time co-star (Pretty Poison, Directed by Noel Black, 1968, and Play It As It Lays, Directed by Frank Perry, 1972) and spat in the general direction of his face. She said, I’m dead, I’m dead, you killed me. She said, I’m not going to stop talking about the economy of desire and the fact that the only reason you want me is because every other man in the world wants me and that you didn’t even know you wanted me until it became apparent that I was wanted and to be honest with you I think if you were the last man on earth and there were no other men around you wouldn’t even want me and I wouldn’t have to be subjected to your pathetic, pissant attempts at seduction like taking me out to the woods. She said, I’m the daddy now, I’m the daddy now, I’m the daddy now. The Park Rangers, who had met in college while they were both pursuing degrees in Wildlife Management, had the good fortune to be assigned as partners working in the same park, and in their time together they had seen a lot worse then what was before them now. If it wasn’t this, they thought, then it would have been something else, and as far as disturbances went, a man and a woman tussling next to a campfire was on the mild end of the spectrum. The longer they looked, as a matter of fact, the more and more they became convinced that what they were witnessing was something sacred, and so they stood and stared for what seemed like forever, until the moon disappeared under a cover of clouds and one of them turned into a rotting mushroom while the other’s head exploded into a Technicolor gush of glowing prime numbers.”

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One thought on “Bummer

  1. Other than the occasional stutter, my computer gave up the internet for (an extended) cyber-Lent.

    So imagine my joy, when connectivity is finally running up & down without hindrance, I discover a torrent of Okum free-at-the-point-of-need.

    $100 in 7 years?

    Compared to my 79 pennies, I imagine your ex-Playboy Bunny & cocaine parties with undisguised envy!

    Like

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